…what you’re for (not by what you’re against).

(This week I’m thinking about what I’d tell graduates at commencement. Previous thoughts: You’ll never love too much and When you’re not sure what to do, help someone.)

Today’s guidance: Be known by what you’re for (not by what you’re against).

Nobody wants to be a victim. Sometimes we pretend we’re victims, or even choose victim status, to avoid accountability, but you’re probably not actively seeking ways to be a better victim.

You don’t ever get complete control. That’s God’s job, so get over the illusion that you can control events or people. You can’t.

But you can develop influence. It’s a lot more subtle and long-term, but you can impact people and circumstances. Or you can choose to be a victim. Victims surrender influence.

There are three ways to influence what happens around you.

Consume. Other folks want your attention and your money, and they’ll do just about anything to get it. When you buy and use products and services, you encourage others to produce more of them. When you give your attention, you encourage others to do more of whatever you’re paying attention to.

Criticize. Your disapproval encourages others to do less of something, or to do it differently.

Consumers and critics can exert a certain amount of influence, but there an important “if”—these activities change things if others listen to and care about your choices and opinions. If you’re in the target audience or the right demographic, your consumer decisions might influence what’s produced. If you yell loudly enough or stand on the right platform, your criticism might cause someone to re-think.

Or maybe not, because consume and criticize are passive and reactionary. Someone else makes a choice, and you react. And if the other person doesn’t care about your response, you  have no influence. Here’s an extreme example.

I choose not to buy cocaine—nobody cares. I criticize those who produce and sell cocaine—no impact. As a consumer or critic I have absolutely no influence on cocaine production and distribution. Fortunately, there’s a third option.

Create. Creators stand for something.

Don’t criticize someone else’s idea. Develop a better one.

Don’t gripe about negative media coverage—while you continue to watch. Go out and do something that highlights and celebrates the abundant generosity and service in your community.

Don’t lament the lack of effective ministry in a particular area. Start your own, or get involved and improve what’s already happening.

Don’t tear down opponents. Create something so powerful, compelling, and attractive that your opponents will want to join.

Creating, building, standing for something—it’s hard work. It’s not a quick fix. It requires preparation, determination, and perseverance. And it requires ignoring the consumers and critics who will inevitably try to knock you off course.

Consumers and critics influence through motivation. They stand in the back and use money or power or fear in an attempt to coerce or force change and tell someone else what to do.

Creators lead. Creators show the way. They’re the risk-takers, the ones in front.

Be a creator. Be a builder.

Be known by what you’re for (not by what you’re against).

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…help someone.

(This week I’m thinking about what I’d tell graduates at commencement.)

Inevitably, you’re going to reach places where you feel stuck and don’t know which way to turn or what to do next. You’ll wonder about God’s purpose and whether there’s any point to it all.

Maybe you’re looking for the right person and nothing seems to be happening. Perhaps you’re seeking a job and can’t seem to get past square #1. You’ve tried everything and just don’t know what to do next.

Help someone…with no notion of what’s in it for you. Find somebody who needs what you have to offer and help them. Volunteer.

God created us for service. It’s how we’re wired. When you use your gifts and passions to help someone, you’ve living in your sweet spot. You’re intentionally moving to the space for which God designed you.

Helping fosters humility. When nothing seems to be going right, it’s easy to lose perspective. Helping someone reminds you you’re not the center of the universe.

Helping demonstrates compassion. You’re following the Bible’s repeated command to care for others.

When you help someone, you’re automatically generating in yourself the attitudes that allow you to be your very best self. You’re doing the very things for which God wired you.

When you’re stuck, that’s a pretty good place to turn. Ironically, focusing on others is likely the very best way to find your own path as well.

When you’re not sure what to do, help someone.

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…love too much.

(Note: This week I’m  thinking about what I’d tell graduates at commencement.)

It’s awfully easy to go overboard, even with good things. Almost any idea or action, taken to extremes, will get you in trouble. Most of the time, moderation is the way to go.

I know of one clear, absolute exception:

You’ll never love too much.

A legal expert once tested Jesus (Matthew 22) by asking, “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

In response, Jesus’ first word was, “Love…” Then He completed the thought.

“’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Love is the one thing about which we’re supposed to be extreme. Jesus tells us to put everything—heart, soul, and mind—into love.

I think Jesus frequently shakes His head as He watches me stumble along. I suspect He often asks, “What were you thinking?” as I get myself into yet another mess.

But I’m pretty certain He never says, “You loved too much in that situation.”

One caution: we overuse the word “love” until it almost loses any meaning. I love my wife, but I also love baseball and my dog. Let’s hope I express “love” for Becky and baseball differently. Otherwise I’ll be sleeping in the dog house.

Jesus referred to agape, the kind of sacrificial love that’s a decision rather than a feeling. Your heart, soul, and mind were made to be filled with agape.

You’ll make lots of mistakes. Even when you try to do it right, you’ll miss the mark. Give yourself lots of grace. Get used to messing up, because it’s part of life. But…

You’ll never love too much.

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Happy Monday!

It’s a special season for many students, which prompts today’s word-of-the-week…

COMMENCEMENT

I love receiving graduation announcements from former students. Each fancy envelope contains proclamations of proud accomplishment and brings back memories of a fresh face entering my classroom filled with possibility. I love the opportunity to remember successes and struggles and to celebrate achievements.

It’s good to celebrate. We should do it more. We should seek excuses to celebrate whenever possible. But we need to maintain focus and be sure we understand what we’re celebrating.

Students call it “graduation” and often perceive an ending. Officially the ceremony is “commencement” because it marks a beginning. The celebration surrounding a degree or diploma actually commemorates God’s design and character.

Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? Isaiah 43:18

God tells us to avoid dwelling on the past, because He’s a God of new things. So we learn from the past while always dwelling on present blessings and future hope.

This week I want to think about things I might tell graduates if they were silly enough to ask. Mostly it’s a chance to reflect on what I’d tell a twenty-two-year-old me, which is the same thing I’d tell a sixty-year-old me (minus the long hair).

Each day can be a celebration of commencement, because we worship a God of new beginnings.

What wisdom would you pass along to a graduate?

On this Monday, what commencement are you celebrating?

Have a great week.

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Thursday I did my first extended training ride of the season. “Extended” is a relative term—I have a lot of conditioning to accomplish before I’m ready to get On The Road Again in July from Cincinnati to Washington DC.

While I cranked along I thought about training. I wonder if most of life is training for something. When I choose a particular activity it might be useful to ask, “What am I training for?”

I choose to ride almost every day because I’m preparing for long distance rides. You can’t just show up for something like that. Or you can, but the result might not be what you hoped for.

When I train, I choose routes including difficult stretches. I don’t especially like climbing hills or cranking into a headwind, but those are the conditions for which I need to be prepared. The only way to be ready for challenging roads is to ride them in training.

So I think about other parts of life. When I decide to avoid a difficult conversation, what am I training for? When I skip morning quiet time and reading, what am I training for?

When I consistently choose “easy” and “comfortable” I’m training for easy and comfortable. But when adversity arrives—as it inevitably does—it’ll be like showing up for a challenging ride after training by coasting downhill.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. (1 Corinthians 9:24-25)

What are the decisions we’re making? What are we training for?

Are we training for the right crown?

# # #

If you’d like to contribute to International Justice Mission (IJM) through my next ride, please go to this page. Please find my name under “participant name” to be certain your donation’s properly credited.

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(This article originally appeared on February 23, 2010)

Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie” until you can find a rock. Will Rogers

Can you really “kill them with kindness”?

I’ve never considered the notion of literally harming someone with kindness. But recently I’ve encountered some folks who’ve caused me to wonder. As I analyzed their frustrating behavior, I concluded that they’d developed the ability to deploy “being nice” as an interpersonal weapon.

Have you ever encountered someone who’s so nice that it’s nearly impossible to disagree with them without feeling guilty? They say and do outrageous things, but no one can confront them because they’re just so darned nice.

These folks use nice to control and manipulate. Sometimes it does seem as if they’re literally trying to suffocate others in niceness.

KIND VERSUS NICE

Kind and nice are sort of innocuous words. Everybody knows that kind and nice are good things, right? Be kind to animals, play nice in the sandbox. We seem to use them somewhat interchangeably.

I felt silly consulting a dictionary about such common words, but what I found surprised me a little.

kind: of a sympathetic or helpful nature; of a forbearing nature; gentle

nice: pleasing, agreeable; socially acceptable

Apparently kind and nice aren’t exactly synonyms. Kindness is more concerned with others. It’s associated with gentleness, forbearance, sympathy, helpfulness. In contrast, niceness is about getting along, being social and agreeable.

WHAT’S SCRIPTURE SAY?

I examined the well-known passage listing the fruits of the Spirit:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. [Galatians 5:22-23]

No surprises there, so I looked at some other translations. In place of kindness the KJV uses gentleness. In The Message it’s stated as a sense of compassion in the heart.

There it is again—kindness connotes compassion and gentleness.

What does scripture say about nice? In a keyword search in my online bible (NIV) kindness appears dozens of times—not a single instance of nice.

AGAPE

I’m thinking that kindness is an expression of agape, the self-sacrificing love Jesus demonstrated. If I’m right, then “killing with kindness” isn’t really accurate.

The goal of authentic kindness isn’t guilt or manipulation. Kindness seeks the interests of others, which includes gentle, loving confrontation when it’s appropriate.

Kindness involves an attitude of service centered on the other person’s needs. Niceness potentially disguises selfishness behind concern for social convention or propriety. It’s doing the right thing, but possibly for the wrong reason.

I’ve always liked thinking of myself as a nice guy, and there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with that. It’s generally good to be pleasing and agreeable.

But I hope I always integrate nice with kindness. I hope I’m a steward who beings an attitude of agape to my interactions.

I want to value transparency, open communication, and a desire to understand. I want to be aware of the times when I’m tempted to meet my own needs at the expense of others through pleasant, skillful coercion.

I hope I can avoid relationships smothered by “the tyranny of nice.”

Do you encounter occasions when someone (or maybe you) attempts to camouflage control behind a veneer of nice?

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. Dalai Lama

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Jesus often rebuked those with “hard hearts.”

Our pastor used the phrase “hard hearts” in a message this weekend. He suggested that we should strive to cultivate a “soft heart.” I wondered exactly what he meant.

My dictionary defines softhearted as “tenderness of heart, capable of pity or other kindly affection.”

I’m not sure that’s exactly what Jesus had in mind.

And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins. (Mark 2:22)

I once saw a time-lapse video demonstration of this principle. A fresh new wineskin is pliable and elastic, so it can expand to accommodate the gas emitted as new wine ferments. The new wine can literally burst a brittle old wineskin.

That’s a picture of how Jesus viewed soft and hard hearts. A soft heart is like the new wineskin. It’s able to listen, assimilate new ideas and truths, and accept those who think and behave differently. A soft heart is characterized by tolerance, an open mind, and the ability to accept correction. It values people over ideas.

A hard heart demands conformity. It’s a “my way or the highway” attitude that insists on strict adherence to rules at the expense of liberty. Hard hearts refuse to acknowledge any alternative custom or opinion. Their interpretation, their revelation, is the final word in any discussion.

Hard hearts create rigid, joyless religion. They reduce Jesus to regimented lists of ideas and single-issue arguments. They value winning and being right.

Jesus condemned hard hearts by comparing them to brittle old wineskins. He came to bring a new truth that values people over rules and tolerance over blind conformity.

Jesus told us to keep our hearts flexible and open, willing to listen and be led by His spirit in sprprising new directions.

I hope my heart is a new wineskin. You?

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Happy Monday!

Last week’s events (I Love A Happy Ending) prompt today’s word-of-the-week…

RESTORE

Restore: return to a former place or condition.

I wrote a while back about The God Of “Re” and all the “re-” words associated with God. There’s a long list of God-related words with the common “re” prefix.

“Re” means again (repeat) or new (refresh). God is all about new beginnings. The God of “re” offers renewal, reconciliation, resurrection …

Restore is definitely a God word.

So my handcycle’s “restored”—returned to its former place in my garage. I’m happy for that outcome.

But I begin the week with gratitude that God’s entire story is about sending His son to restore us to right relationship with Him. Thanks to Jesus, we can be back where God designed us to be.

Have a great week.

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The Stolen Handcycle Chronicles rolls to a happy ending.

Friday morning a Fort Collins police detective called with the happy news that they recovered the bike. Thanks to diligent work by law enforcement—supported by a huge circle of prayer—this episode offered about the best possible conclusion.

(If you’re unfamiliar with this saga, check out When Someone Steals and Adversity And Opportunity.)

This whole story exemplifies what I said along RICH’S RIDE. Media and political interests too often portray us as selfish, bitter, and divided. But we encountered nothing but generosity, support, and eagerness to help.

I’m committed to turning off the negative voices with a vested interest in highlighting and promoting divisive messages.

My community—and the world in general—aren’t characterized by one person who made a poor choice.

I choose instead to see the hundreds of folks who jumped on Facebook to publicize and help secure the bike’s return. I choose to see police officers who might have filed this as one more insignificant crime, but instead pursued leads and took great personal joy in reporting their discovery. I choose to see reporters who worked to tell the story and showed up today to document the happy ending.

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? (Isaiah 43:18)

I perceive those who offered prayers, encouragement, and financial assistance if I had to replace an expensive machine. I’ll focus on the opportunities, the added exposure this incident generated for our upcoming ride from Cincinnati to Washington, DC.

Who knows how many people will become aware and perhaps even donate to support the important work of International Justice Mission? (That’s a not-so-subtle hint if you want to click this link and check out the details.)

We’re invited to perceive the new things, the good, abundant things God’s doing all around us. That’s the city—and the world—in which we live.

Becky and I are sad for the person who took my bike. Even before the bike’s return we expressed our hope that this event becomes a catalyst for change and restoration.

But I refuse to allow one mistake to become a distorted lens through which I see my neighborhood, my community, or my world.

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I hope it doesn’t seem like I’m dwelling on a relatively minor incident, but this week’s handcycle theft provides an opportunity. Bouncing Back is, after all, partly about confronting and overcoming adversity. If we learn from small bumps, perhaps we’ll do a little better when something really big happens.

Some  observations:

“Why” would someone take a handcycle? That’s probably the most frequent question, and I asked it as well. But the search for “why” is a fool’s errand and one of the enemy’s most powerful tools.

First, there probably isn’t an answer. Likely it was a random crime of opportunity, as senseless as most other crimes. “Why” seeks rationality where it probably doesn’t exist. Accidents happen. People make foolish decisions. Mostly it’s just the way it is.

More importantly, “why” doesn’t matter, and an answer wouldn’t help. Suppose I could know the thief had a good reason for his act—would it really help? It’s like demanding a reason for a senseless disease or for my accident. If God explained why those occurred, would the pain or loss or grief be reduced?

“Why” also implies “why me” or “why you.” Those questions subconsciously point at someone else and ask “why not him instead.” I didn’t deserve to have my bike stolen, but I also didn’t deserve immunity from the consequences of a broken world. Maybe a better question is “why not me.” I haven’t earned any exemptions.

“Why” keeps me focused on the past. Better, I think, to lean on God’s promise (Romans 8:28) that all things work together for good. It won’t eliminate the grief process—nothing can do that. But it does allow us to move forward with authentic hope, a confident expectation based on faith.

This is why we prepare. We know adversity’s going to happen, somehow, sometime, in some form. When I get to know God and understand His character, when I practice walking with Jesus, I’m training. An athlete trains for the trials of competition so he can face them well. This sort of spiritual trial is similar.

Anyone can coast downhill, just as anyone can be thankful during easy times. When the hills come and adversity stares us in the face, we have the greatest opportunity to live out difficult principles.

Being real and transparent is part of this circle’s covenant, and I’m not pretending to be Pollyanna. Of course I’m angry and frustrated. Of course I feel violated and a bunch of other emotions.

But this is an opportunity to choose intentional response over reflexive reactions. It’s not about denial, it’s about acknowledging and trying to make better choices.

I want to forgive, though I don’t feel forgiving. I want to be thankful even in the places that don’t feel like it. I want to believe God will use this for good, though it sure doesn’t feel very good right now.

I want to love the person who took my bike when “loving” is about the last thing I feel.

I want to act on the hope that God will use this poor choice to soften a heart, even if I never see any evidence in the form of a returned bike.

That’s the cool thing about hope. Hope allows you to believe, despite the evidence, and then watch the evidence change.

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